Hot Takes On the Golden Globe Wins (if You Aren’t Sick of it Already)

 

The most important look of the night.
As the annoying girl at the party who says things like “well I think my favorite film is Casablanca,” or “The Third Man is honestly a lost master piece for today’s youth,” I always have something to say about the Golden Globes. America’s 3rd favorite award show. Am I a film critic? No. Do I have a degree in film? No, but I once took a class at UPenn called “A History of Film: Origins to 1945,” because I am exactly who you think I am. Have I even seen all the films nominated? absolutely not, but don’t pretend you saw “Manchester by the Sea.” We all know you didn’t.

 

 

1) Best Motion Picture -Drama

I am a liberal white New Yorker, so yes the only film I saw in this category was “Moonlight” and double yes, of course it should have won. Honestly, I don’t know why this was even a category. It should have just been “Moonlight” copy and pasted a couple of times and I guess “Manchester by the Sea” because I need opportunities to make fun of Casey Affleck and if dumb ass face. More to follow.

 
2) Best Motion Picture – Comedy
“La La Land” was fun. I’m sorry it was. It was cool and fun and I’m not saying sorry about it. Do I think it’s the best thing to happen ever? No. Obviously. Ryan Gosling can sing about as well as he can mansplain jazz, but I cried in the last 20 minutes in a way I have never cried in a Fred Astaire Movie that wasn’t “Holiday Inn.” On a related note, if you “FUCKING LOVED La La Land” and haven’t seen “Holiday Inn” than I don’t trust you. On the real, it is just better “White Christmas.” Wow, that was a hot take from 1942 that I will not apologise for. As for a hot take from 2017, crazy that the movie that Meryl was in didn’t win. Emma Stone might be siphoning her power, but then again Meryl would never try to play a half Asian person.
 
3) Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Drama
Am I going crazy or do all these girls look exactly the same except the woman from “Loving?”
 

4) Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Drama

Fuck Casey Affleck. He’s just a not cute Ben and I haven’t truly loved Ben outside of “how about them apples,” the time he was played by Mindy Kaling in a New York Fringe Festival play, and “Gone Girl,” which I have to say he’s perfect in. Denzel should have won. I would rather watch the baseball game he is describing in “Fences” than whatever old Mr. Rapist-Beard is being sad in.

 

5) Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy

I really don’t care about this category. Which is fine because all these women seem cool and I like them all.

 

6) Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy

If I have said it once in this article I have said it 100x. RYAN CAN’T SING. I would rather have the other Ryan in this category win, but I don’t think we are ready to give awards to 2 types of people at award shows, 1) minorities. 2) super hero films (when it is not about effects). Side note: I think you might have to be a sociopath to think “The Lobster” is a comedy.

 

7) Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in any Motion Picture

First thing is first, Viola Davis is a national treasure and this comes from a woman who watched season 2 of “How to Get Away with Murder.” But she is not a supporting anything in Fences. She is the most important part. That being said, since leading actress was whiter than a marriage before Loving vs Virginia, good on you Viola.

 

8) Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in any Motion Picture

Anyone else notice that the guy from “Big Bang Theory” is in this category? Cause good on him. I didn’t see “Nocturnal Animals” because I’m not in a book club, but if you think there shouldn’t have at least been a nom for the child from “Moonlight,” we probably don’t get each other.

 

9) Best Director – Motion Picture

I don’t know why I care so much about this category, but I do. I am just glad that they didn’t give it to Ford or Gibson. Tom, keep to making the glasses I like and being mean to children. Mel, keep to hating me for being Jewish or loving me for my rack. I’m not sure which would be more important to him.

 

10) Best Motion Picture – Animated

HELL YEAH ANIMALS AND POLICE BRUTALITY. THAT RABBIT CUTE AS HELL.

 

11) Best Motion Picture – Foreign Language

As a true American, I have seen none of these, but in 8 months I will fall asleep to one as I stream it on my boyfriend’s Amazon Prime.

 

12) Best Original Score – Motion Picture

Can’t believe “Hidden Fences” didn’t win. Is that joke already hack? It’s been under 24 hours and it already feels old. The internet has made comedy exhausting.

 

13) Best Original Song – Motion Picture

Amazing that there is a category that could have made “Trolls” a Golden Globe Winner. This is the category that makes dreams like “Three Six Mafia- Oscar Winners” an achievable dream.

 

14) Annnnnnd, I am not going to do TV…. sorry.

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