Friday, January 20th
Midnight – Overnight Vigil
Attendees are invited to camp out on the National Mall and spend the evening constantly refreshing twitter in order to be amongst the first to see which celebrity, civil rights icon, or world leader the president-elect chooses to viciously attack overnight.
5am – Trump Morning Ritual
Donald Trump’s morning ritual of being bronzed, girdled, and having his hair ironed will only be televised in the Kremlin.
9:30am – The Worst Breakfast of Barack Obama’s Entire Life
The outgoing president and his family are scheduled to join the Trump’s for a meal that promises to feature the most awkward silence and forced civility seen in the White House since the morning after the Starr Report was released.
11am – National Moment of Holy Shit is This Actually Fucking Happening?
11:30am – Swearing –in Ceremony
Following a procession to the Capitol, Donald Trump will be sworn in as the 45th president of the United States. Following the oath of office, expect a massive sinkhole to open on the National Mall, swallowing the Washington Monument and releasing a swarm of 750,000 bats, as well as Trump’s inaugural address, assuming Russian president Vladimir Putin approves the draft provided by Trump’s transition team in time.
1pm – Reception for Journalists
Trump has stated that his first act as President will be to throw a private reception for journalists in a specially constructed bunker near the Potomac. Not much is known about what this reception will entail, but attendance is mandatory, and squads of Capitol Police will be dispatched to deliver any journalists having a hard time making it to the bunker before the gates are locked from the outside.
1:30pm – The Obama Family Officially Departs the White House
The family has been instructed by Trump’s transition team that they only have until 3pm before Russian intelligence operatives arrive to install microphones and hidden cameras inside the residence.
3pm – Inaugural Parade
Viewers at home can participate in the official Inaugural Parade drinking game. The rules are simple: while watching the parade, drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and drink.
6pm – Pepe the Frog Costume Contest
This officially unendorsed but in no way disavowed celebration of the alt-right’s unofficial mascot is free and open to the public. The contest will be judged by actor and ardent defender of his own free speech James Woods, two guys who recently got banned by twitter, and two guys who totally should be. Prizes include cash, vouchers for Trump hotels, and ambassadorial appointments.
7pm – Inaugural Ball
Tickets to all three Inaugural Balls are by invitation only, however the massive floating specter of a weeping Uncle Sam that is expected to appear in the sky during these celebrations is expected linger overnight and be visible for several hundred miles.