50 Shades of Nitpicking: A “Review” of 50 Shades Darker

 

Two years ago, I was single, living in Philly, and got blackout drunk to write a review of 50 Shades of Grey for a local student magazine. Even drunk-me hated it. So when I heard they were making another, I knew I would have to see it. If not as a magazine staff, then with a female friend who just “loves it because it’s bad but not like that bad.”

So yes, I saw 50 Shades Darker. And let me tell you, it is also bad.

Here’s the thing, I could tell you that it barely has a plot and it seems like no one wrote the script, but those are the movie making mistakes that you expect from a bad movie. I am here to talk about something much more abstract. I am here to nitpick. Because for all the huge important problems this series has, there are a ton of goofy little mistakes which make the watcher think, “What the what?”

1) Christian never takes off his pants for sex:

In the end, this is a film about hot sex. Even without a plot, the sex should be good. Now, who am I to say that I am a “sexpert,” but I have had sex for multiple years now and I have never been with a man so reluctant to take off his pants then Christian. For the first three sex scenes, he unzips his pants and just goes at it. He doesn’t even pull them down. I would forgive once. Maybe when he’s in public and wants to be discreet, but he does this even when they are in his house. I would also understand if this was a PG-13 film. It’s not. There are butts. Maybe this is a fetish.

see, other people take their pants off

2) That’s not where a boat’s wheel is.

Christian is mostly sexy because he can buy stuff. Stuff like boats. He even takes his main girl out on his boat and lets her drive. Hot, right? Well, where the wheel of the boat is makes no sense. He should get his money back for the boat. The wheel is in the back on the side. If that’s where the wheel is you can’t see the front of the boat. YOU ARE GOING TO CRASH THAT BOAT.

3) No one finished a drink.

There is so much drinking in this movie. Beers with the boss. Drinks at the ball. Champagne at the space needle. Drinks on the beach (shown on what I thought was Skype but actually I think was a pre-recorded video message, which honestly deserves a point on its own), drinks in Christian’s apartment. None are finished and most aren’t even started. Like why even get them then?

4) Jose.

If you remember the first movie (which is for some reason burned into my brain), the last we see of Jose is he tries to sexually assault Anna outside of a bar and then Christian shoves him off her and he’s never even really mentioned again. Now, he’s back. And Anna considers him a close friend. Close enough to go to the opening night of his gallery show. We never talk about that night or what happened between them. They are just buds now. Also this gallery features a ton of photos of her. And she doesn’t like them and also seems not to have remembered them being taken. When were they taken? They aren’t creepy stalker photos, they are very head on, so did she just forget she modeled for him?

HOW DID HE TAKE THIS?

5) Christian doesn’t want Anna to touch his chest because that is where his abusive father burned him.

But we also see– because he takes his shirt off a lot despite never taking off his pants– that he has burns on his back, too. And she can touch his back with no issue.

This is getting long and no one wants more on this movie, so let’s do a rapid fire round:

6) At one point Christian’s father looks directly into the camera on accident and no one took 40 seconds to edit it out.

7) Anna and Christian talk all about going to New York together and it just never happens.

8) SPOILER (though that implies the plot of this at all matters) Christian proposes like three times and seems genuinely seems surprised when she says yes even the third time. Which I think is the actor, Jamie Dornan, breaking through and being surprised anyone would marry his character.

9) Does Christian not know how to eat someone out? Because at one point he is going at is while Anna stands up with her legs together. I think he’s kissing the outside of it.

10) I was with some pretty vanilla friends and they never understood what the silver balls did in one scene and the movie did not really explain it.

11) And finally, there is this whole thing where they talk about a house across a river and it seems like it is going to come back or we are going to find out that some one in the story lives there or maybe Christian owns it, but it never comes back and I have no idea what is was about.

That’s about it. Stay tuned for another two years for me to get drunk and review whatever the next piece of garbage is. Maybe I’ll find out what is up with that house.

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