Presidential Pets Ranked in Honor of President’s Day

Happy President’s Day. Since our current president is a tube sock full of garbage at best and an illegal puppet of the Russian government who is still somehow a tube sock filled with garbage, let’s focus on a topic that can bring us all together. Pets rock! So on this fake holiday, the Tusk is bringing you, all presidents ranked solely on how good their pets were.

Only Dog this guy knows how to hold
The monsters aka presidents with no pets: 44-41
44: Trump: Probably would murder a kitten. 
43: Filllmore
42: Pierce
41: Arthur 
THEY NEEDED THAT PET TO GET AROUND

The Barely had a pet aka you had a horse before 1900 aka you had a car that was alive: 40-34

40: Jackson: bad person. Bad choice in pets.
39: John Adams: Not to be confused with Quincy Adams, who had badass pets. Dad should have learned something from his son. 
38: Polk
37: Taylor
36: Tyler: Not to be confused with Taylor, because unlike Taylor, his horse was named “The General” which is a super cool horse name. 
35: Grant: Yes, he had horses, but he named one Jeff Davis, which is hysterical for some reason and I cannot say why. Easily best presidential horse name 
34: Garfield: while his primary pet was a horse, he also had a dog named Veto, which is a great presidential dog name. 
 
Millennials nowadays want pets that you can’t eat
Barely a pet (part 2:) 33-29
While some presidents didn’t own a transportation pet, they had other animals that were more about use than adorable companionship. Part 2, runs down the list of farm animals before 1950:
33: Madison: Had sheep, how many? Who knows? Names? Who cares? He probably just used them for wool.  
32: Harrison: A goat and cow. This guy was swimming in milk.  For the record this is William Henry, though his grandson Benjamin also had a goat. Thankfully, Ben escaped this category by also having a dog. 
31: Lincoln: Arguably our best president in a non-pet-centered ranking, Lincoln is judged by Jack the Turkey. High points for animal with a human name, low points for Mary Todd probably eating that pet. 
30: Wilson: Old Ike the Ram. Wilson, in efforts to help the war time rationing, got a bunch of sheep and used them for wool. But Old Ike was special. He chewed tobacco, usually in the form of people’s half finished cigars. Possibly making him the first animal famous for acting like a person. 
29: Taft: Pauline Wayne the cow. First name and last name. That is a commitment to pet naming. 
28: Johnson: White mice. Ok, so a grown man should not have mice as a pet. Was Johnson super creepy? Was he a child? No one can really say for sure. But this is technically a pet for pet sake (I’m pretty sure mice cannot do a job like a goat might.) 
 
Naming can be hard: 27-25
While cats are always a solid and low maintenance pet choice for the ruler of the free world, naming cats can be hard. Just kidding, it’s easy– well, it is unless you get a Siamese cat and give them a silly racist name because get it? They are Asian.  
27: Ford: Chan
26: Carter: Misty Malarky Ying Yang… though he also had a dog named Grits so we know he made some good pet naming decisions at one point.
25: Hayes: Siam: The best, possibly because it is the least creative of the borderline not okay presidential Siamese cat names. 
 
24: Harrison (Benjamin): 2 opossums named Mr. Reciprocity and Mr. Protection. First off, crazy names for opossums. Secondly, was this ever a normal pet? 
23: Hoover: another Opossum, so maybe this was a normal pet, though Hoover also let his son crawl around with his pet alligators, so maybe not. 
 
22: Bush (W): While the Bush family had multiple dogs and cats over the year, I want to focus on Ernie. This cat was judged “too wild for the white house” and had to live in California with other family members. What did this cat do? This was the White House that successfully housed the Bush twins and their ex-party boy dad. Did this cat oppose the war in Iraq? 
Having your kids play with your dirty lust rabbit.
 
21: Kennedy: Zsa Zsa the Rabbit. Ok, serious question, did Kennedy sleep with Zsa Zsa Gabor? I assume yes. Either way, naming the rabbit Zsa Zsa is insane. 
 

They are all good Dogs! 20-11
The most normal pet for a President to have is a dog and they are all cuties, so these are ranked 100% based on names: 
20: Reagan: Lucky and Rex: Uninspired. Lazy names. 
19: Monroe: Unnamed Spaniel. This name could have been amazing but it has been lost to history.   
18: HW Bush: Millie and Ranger: Another case of old Republican men giving uninspiring dog names.
17: Eisenhower: Heidi, a Weimaraner, love the human names for animals, but this one feels like a normal dog name. 
16: Harding: Laddie Boy and Old Boy/ Laddie boy is a terrible name for a dog, but pairing it with Old Boy takes the creepiness out of naming your dog “boy.”
15: Nixon: King Timahoe. I don’t know why we only remember “Checkers” but this is a much cooler dog name.
14: Cleveland: Hector the poodle. Great use of human name for a dog.
13: Truman: Feller, aka the unwanted dog. Feller, sometimes called “The Unwanted Dog,” was called that because his physician got him for Truman. Feller, Truman might not have wanted you, but we do. 
12: Johnson: J. Edgar. Wow what a dog name. I wonder how the real J. Edgar felt about being a lap dog. 
11: FDR: Great Dane named President. Best name of them all.
Before our top 10, an honorary position goes to Maisie and Tally, the Clinton dogs and the rightful paws to the 2017 White House.
 
10: McKinley: He had a parrot, but more importantly he named that parrot Washington Post like a true shade queen. Though McKinley always chose good names, he also had cats named Valeriano Weyler and Enrique DeLome.
 
9: Clinton: Socks and Buddy: the only animals (seemingly) to have a Presidential candidate write a book about them. True Icons. 
 
8: Obama: Bo and Sunny: Also true icons. 
Photo by Pete Souza
 
7: John Quincy Adams: an alligator and silkworms: Other presidents have had alligators, but no one else had worms. Like if alligators weren’t crazy enough, we got worms! 
 
6: Van Buren: Tiger cubs. Who knows what happens when they grew up? Though what a bad ass pet. Think he used them in his Tinder prof pic? 
 
The zookeepers: 5-4
Some presidents have owned multiple exotic pets, not unlike Atlanta drug dealers. These pets make presidents look dope. 
5: Roosevelt (Teddy): 5 bears, a flying squirrel, a raccoon, coyote, lion, hyena, a zebra, and my favorite– an animal with a human name, Emily Spinach, a garter snake.
4: Coolidge: a donkey, a bobcat, a bear, pygmy hippo, antelope, wallaby, “some lion cubs,” raccoons named Rebecca and Horace. He also had a lot of dogs, most importantly a bulldog named “Boston Beans.”
3: Buchanan: Eagle and an Elephant: Wow! Too bad he was a Democrat, because this is on the nose. 
 
2: Jefferson: two bear cubs, a gift from Lewis and Clark. Bad guy, super American pet. Jackson could have learned a lesson from him. 
 
1: Washington: Polly the Parrot: As far as I can tell, this might have been the first Parrot named Polly. While the name “Pol” goes back to the 1600s for parrots, Washington at very least popularized the name. What an icon.
In my book, they are all icons.
 
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