8:15am –Breakfast with Robert Davi
Premium Attendees are invited to enjoy a continental breakfast with special guest Robert Davi. Free Wi-Fi will be provided so that attendees can quickly research who the hell Davi is and what the fuck he’s famous for prior to meeting him.
9:45am – Ventriloquism!
Children of all ages are sure to enjoy this performance by ventriloquist Stephen Bannon and his little wooden friend, Donnie T.
10:30: How to Melt a Snowflake
This workshop is designed to help attendees who wildly overreact to any real or imagined slight and believe that their level of income or religious beliefs grant them moral authority and freedom from being exposed to that which they don’t understand cope with anyone audacious enough to act the exact same way even though their preferred candidate did not win the presidency.
12:15 – Premium Attendee Lunch
This buffet style lunch will be served in the main ballroom and is open to all Premium Attendees.
1:15pm – Regular Attendee Lunch
In keeping with out conservative values, attendees who do not hold Premium tickets to the conference are invited to see if they can assemble a meal out of the scraps and crumbs leftover after Premium Attendees have finished eating.
2pm – Justify your Posts: A Social Media Tutorial
This workshop is specifically designed to help prepare conservative aunts and uncles to defend the content of articles they’ve linked to on Facebook. Topics to include: “Things everyone was agreeing must be true at water aerobics one morning,” “This website is too well designed to be fake,” and “But her e-mails.”
2:30pm – A big roomful of guns
Our friends at the National Rifle Association have been kind enough to furnish this big roomful of guns, which attendees are invited to come gaze upon and even lovingly stroke, as one might a lover.
3:15pm – Reproductive Health Seminar
Join Vice President Mike Pence and Senator Ted Cruz in conference room 4 for an illuminating discussion of where on a woman they believe the vagina might be located and its possible uses, followed immediately by forty minutes of intense prayer.
4pm – Is Political Correctness Killing US Institutions?
Four wealthy heterosexual white men treat the answer to this question like it is a foregone conclusion and spend the next hour congratulating one another on their incredible bravery.
5:15pm – The Honest Truth about Climate Change
A panel of executives from Exxon Mobil and Chevron present a slideshow comparing the paltry yachts they currently own to the ones they would be able to afford if everyone would just agree that clean air is overrated.
6:30pm – Dinner with Jesus Christ
Attendees are invited to enjoy a meal with special guest Jesus Christ, during which they’ll be granted an opportunity to explain to our lord and savior just what he meant by all that stuff about wealth, fairness, and compassion in the bible.