Op-Ed: It’s Time to Admit President Trump Killed David Bowie.

by Bridget Callahan

As more and more horrible news about Hurricane Harvey hits the press, it’s only natural that the media narrative should turn towards evaluation of our current president’s handling of his first natural catastrophe. One strong rebuke coming from the Trump camp is that no matter how distanced, self-aggrandizing, and generally meaningless Trump’s response to the Texas hurricane victims has been, at the very least he has acted more presidentially than President Obama did in response to victims of 2005’s Hurricane Katrina. And in truth, President Obama (who served from 2009 – 2017) was a stunning example of how non-presidential one could be in the face of unfathomable death and destruction.

“But he wasn’t even president!” Obama’s fans have clamored back, a disappointing response that not only disrespects the victims, but their opponents’ intelligence. After all, that’s the point. If Obama was a true American, he would have gone back and been president. For what other reason does our government spend billions funding time travel research, if not to go back and do your patriotic duty?

So I will give the Trump supporters this: Obama should have been president during Katrina, and it was a dereliction of duty. But if we’re going to concede that point, we must insist Trump fans recognize another fact that has been conveniently pushed under the rug: President Donald Trump had David Bowie killed.

The feud between Trump and Bowie has been well-documented by numerous respectable conspiracy astrologists. Born June 14th, 1946, Trump is a textbook Gemini Warlord – hard to read, ambitious, and able to mask his true self by simply not having one. The same day Donald Trump was born in Queens, New York, Jorge Ubico, notorious Guatemalan dictator died, and it’s been theorized by many that Ubico’s spirit and love of international fruit conglomerates found a new home in the tiny future real estate magnate. 

Six months later, on January 8th, 1947, our glorious Martian guides sent down another spirit, perhaps to try and mitigate their failure in driving Ubico’s ghost from this earthly realm. In Brixton another tiny baby was born, a Capricorn fated to lock horns with Trump-Ubico. Over the next six decades, Bowie would time and time again thwart Trump’s nefarious designs, from human trafficking to bad haircuts, and try to spread the Martian wisdom. Every true American is familiar with the continuous battle between these two forces of good and evil.

Sixty-nine years after he fell to Earth in his tiny seed pod, David Bowie, without a doubt one of humanity’s foremost musical seers, released his last album, Blackstar. For years, he had been trying to communicate the starmen’s desperate warnings to humanity, but with the ascension of his greatest enemy to the United State’s political scene, Bowie knew time was running out. Blackstar is obviously and clearly a warning against a Donald Trump presidency, the return of the Village of Ormen and their snake invaders, and the consequential end of the world on Sept. 23rd, 2017. Then, without warning, after releasing this tome of secret knowledge, suddenly Bowie was dead. No one can look at these facts and deem that a coincidence.

With their recent calls to condemn Obama’s historic non-presidential appearance during a time when he was not actually president, the Right has all but outed the presidential ability to time travel. Knowing this, how does it not also become clear that one of Trump’s first acts of office was to go back and kill Bowie before he had a chance to talk at length in the media about Blackstar?

(“Why not stop production of the whole album?” my critics will ask. The Tusk is not in the business of speculation, I’ll answer, and I can only go off the facts I see in front of me. But perhaps Trump knew that stopping the entire album from releasing would only martyr Bowie more and make his last work a desired treasure, instead of just a slightly off-putting concept album).

Of course, no president is perfect. But I look forward to the day when we as a country can talk openly, and hold our presidents accountable for their past inactions. Opportunities like this are only available for four years and the whole of time and space. They should not be used by charlatans to protect their own interests, but in the interest of all of humanity. If we are going to hold President Obama accountable, we must hold President Trump just as accountable. For killing David Bowie. To hide ancient knowledge about the ascension of the Jeweled Eagle Skull of Death, his Scarecrow Dance Army, and the Black Planet he brings screaming down upon us. 

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