If you haven’t seen all 237 episodes of CBS’s Criminal Minds, then you aren’t me. Criminal Minds has been on since I was twelve years old. Criminal Minds has been on TV for more than half of my life. It has given me so much, and now, I want to give it something back, so here are my pitches for episodes of Criminal Minds, which the good people at CBS can use for free as a gift from me, a Criminal Minds expert:
1) “Mr. No Fingers:” The team travels to Cleveland to catch a serial killer that never leaves a fingerprint, because he has no fingers. He steals a single finger from each of his victims as he tries to build a full set. Will he make a full set? The team has to stop him before that is possible.
Each episode of Criminal Minds ends with a card with a quote on it, so this one could be: “In life, usually, even if you live in a big city, you can count on your fingers on one hand how many real friends you have… that’s human.” -Rodrigo Santoro
2) “The Bogartman:” An unsub in Hollywood is recreating his favorite old movie scenes with the bodies of young women. When he abducts a young policewoman working the case, the team must catch him before he makes his magnum opus, Tokyo Joe. Which of course they do, because it was the creepy projectionist the whole time.
Quote: “Life is more than sunglasses and hit movies. Reality– that’s the main event.” -Sylvester Stallone
3) “Night Killer:” Shot from the unsub’s perspective, the team heads to Seattle to find a killer who only strikes at night. If you think this one sounds thin, it’s because it’s one of those annoying episodes that is mostly about one character’s PTSD coming back from something that happened in a different season. This episode starts with a “Previously on…” and the whole audience lets out one collective moan. Which is this one about? Let’s say JJ and I don’t know, that time she got kidnapped in season nine.
Quote: “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” -Steve Martin
4) “Young Lovers:” Newcomer Alvez finally gets his time to shine, which is good because no one ever cares about the new cast until they realize it’s been over ten years since Mandy Patinkin has been on this show and they honestly don’t even remember any of those episodes anymore. Alvez is on a date when he realizes his bae is the killer terrorizing the east side of Baltimore.
Quote: “The real world is far more hellish for all of us than any fictional representation of it.” -Mandy Patinkin
5) “Land of the Blind:” There is an acid thrower on the loose in Miami. The team is looking for a religious zealot, but slowly realizes that the thrower may be someone who has been disfigured by acid himself. Or, as it turns, out… herself! That’s right, the killer is a woman!
Quote: “Take care of your inner, spiritual beauty. That will reflect in your face.” -Dolores Del Rio
6) “Lady Killers:” The team goes to Las Vegas to find a killer murdering showgirls, but– twist!– the unsub is a woman. Also, is Reid over being in prison for a whole season? Because we never really got all that. Will he be able to deal when he is back in his hometown?
Quote: “Man, I really like Vegas.” -Elvis Presley
7) “What Happened to Julie:” The team must rush against the clock to find a killer who seemingly has abducted Julie, another in a long line of sorority sisters, but– twist!– Julie is the killer. Yeah, a female killer!
Quote: “All the women who independent, throw your hands up at me” -Destiny’s Child
8) “Three Dog Night:” Someone is feeding runaway teens to his dogs, but it turns out to be… her dogs? LADY TWIST!
Quote: “I take my dog, Tinkerbell, seriously.” -Paris Hilton
9) “Femme Fatale:” The team is always surprised when the killer is a woman, which makes sense statistically in the field of criminology, but this show deviates so strongly from criminological trends that, well… anyways the twist in this one is it’s a girl again and she kills with lipstick this time.
Quote: “There are about 25 active serial killers at any given time period” –John Douglas, former chief of the FBI’s Elite Serial Crime Unit
10) “Mother May I?:” Twist: the killer is Reid’s mom.
Quote: “It’s crazy that Reid’s mom has been played by Jane Lynch this whole time.” – Rosa Escandon